tell me that percentage is a failure. A- is a failure if your parents are nazis!
magna cum laude
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Hell or Something like it part 3
maybe? 6 papers, 3 exams, 1 presentation, 3 make up assignments, 1 portfolio,
I am just curious if life really does mean more than a deskjob. Just wondering.....
"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam"
I am just curious if life really does mean more than a deskjob. Just wondering.....
"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam"
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Popular
DISCLAIMER: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE SO READ WITH DISCRETION
People like to cheer for me to embarrass me in the Cafeteria. They do it because they love me and because they do not understand. What they don't understand is that people would do that to me in high school and in junior high to mock me. They would shout my name and put it up front for all to see and laugh at.
One of the reasons why I fucking hate the word popular is because i grew up with peers telling me that I was not, and that I would never be. I struggled with fitting in for a very long time. Now I know a lot of people say that, but I mean it. I have never had Here is what i associate it with.
I associate it with the time my best friend Peter Senecka growing up told me that he was cool and I was not. I do not even know why he was saying it but he was so full of himself at that moment and me feel so damn self-conscious of myself. Needless to say we did not stay friends for much longer after that.
I associate it with the time I was in sixth grade and every stupid blond girl would call me weird and ugly and tell me I would never be popular enough to get a girlfriend or have cool friends.
I associate it with the time I was friends with one guy in junior high. One guy that I would hang out with at lunch and brunch.
I associate it with the time I really liked this girl for the longest time, and I mean the longest time, and then finally all these people who I thought were my friends said I should ask her out. needless to say she said she would call and then she never did. I felt like such a fool.
I associate it with looking at my older brother of 5 years and how he always had a core group of friends since elementary school who would constantly call him, come over, and hang out with him on the weekends. He even had a page in the yearbook dedicated to his five core friends that he hung out with. I never had a core group like that. I never had a core group of friends, it always changed.
I associate it with the people who would pretend to be my friends just so they could get something from me or so they could exploit their own insecurity.
I associate it with my entire 8th grade year, which was hell for me. I had no friends and I hated everything about school. I remember some girls making fun of me when I decided to sit under a lab table and forget the world. They just laughed at me and called me a loner. All I wanted was a little peace and quiet. I honestly thought of how If I left everything and moved to colorado and lived in the mountains, I would be better off.
I associate it with the time I tried to punch this guy and he caught my wrist before I could hit him.
I associate it every time someone in junior high called me faggot, dumb ass, or loser.
I remember I used to cry in my sleep and ask God why? Why does everyone ignore me or worse make fun of me? it was worse when people would just put me on the spot for no fucking reason at all.
And lastly I associate it everytime I watched the pretty girls, the tall athletes, and even the drug addicted party burn outs hang out with their respective groups and do everything together. I never got invited to hang out with anybody, because I had no in with anyone.
I was never popular in junior high. but I grew to enjoy never being popular. I felt enlightened. I felt like I had discovered a better way of life instead of just burning out or going with the flow. I felt like everyone else was a big ass phony and I had little time for them.
In High School I became more involved with my youth group, hoping to find solace from the briar pitch of public school. I envisioned some kind of refuge for myself and not be around the cruel words and the gross language.
I found that I wanted something real and authentic from those that I had considered friends. I thought I had made that with people from my youth group. It turned out later that I was wrong. No one ever called, no one ever replied and no one invited me to anything. I remember this boy, his name was Jordan Box, I loved him and I wanted to be his friend so badly. He was like the pretty boy of Youth Group (which is retarded in itself). We were friends for a while, and then I guess he just got tired of me. He never called or wanted to hang out and that was the end of it. The least he could have done was say something but I was over it by then. It turned out to be like that with a lot of them and I grew tired of it.
So by my senior year of high school, I was basically at square one. I tried to start over and make the best of my difficult and dramatic final year that consisted of a funeral, a bad relationship, get barred from being on the ministry team at youth group, and actually getting grounded for a month by my parents. I made some good friendships that probably would have blossomed had I not made the decision to leave for college.
So thats the story of my life with the word popular. I was never popular. I decided that I never wanted to be popular. Popular to me, meant limitations and I knew that God made me for something different
So if you are really curious, the reason why I do not want this recognition is because I do not deserve it. I hate the clapping, I hate the birthday songs, and I hate the compliments about my voice and guitar skills. Please give it to someone who actually works for a living.
I guess the reason why so many seem to know me is that well... this is a small school and I just love the people here. there are good people here. People much different than the ones who went to my lame-ass youth group or high school. God showed me a world outside of "Popular" or "cool" and I thank Him so much for making me unique and not popular.
People like to cheer for me to embarrass me in the Cafeteria. They do it because they love me and because they do not understand. What they don't understand is that people would do that to me in high school and in junior high to mock me. They would shout my name and put it up front for all to see and laugh at.
One of the reasons why I fucking hate the word popular is because i grew up with peers telling me that I was not, and that I would never be. I struggled with fitting in for a very long time. Now I know a lot of people say that, but I mean it. I have never had Here is what i associate it with.
I associate it with the time my best friend Peter Senecka growing up told me that he was cool and I was not. I do not even know why he was saying it but he was so full of himself at that moment and me feel so damn self-conscious of myself. Needless to say we did not stay friends for much longer after that.
I associate it with the time I was in sixth grade and every stupid blond girl would call me weird and ugly and tell me I would never be popular enough to get a girlfriend or have cool friends.
I associate it with the time I was friends with one guy in junior high. One guy that I would hang out with at lunch and brunch.
I associate it with the time I really liked this girl for the longest time, and I mean the longest time, and then finally all these people who I thought were my friends said I should ask her out. needless to say she said she would call and then she never did. I felt like such a fool.
I associate it with looking at my older brother of 5 years and how he always had a core group of friends since elementary school who would constantly call him, come over, and hang out with him on the weekends. He even had a page in the yearbook dedicated to his five core friends that he hung out with. I never had a core group like that. I never had a core group of friends, it always changed.
I associate it with the people who would pretend to be my friends just so they could get something from me or so they could exploit their own insecurity.
I associate it with my entire 8th grade year, which was hell for me. I had no friends and I hated everything about school. I remember some girls making fun of me when I decided to sit under a lab table and forget the world. They just laughed at me and called me a loner. All I wanted was a little peace and quiet. I honestly thought of how If I left everything and moved to colorado and lived in the mountains, I would be better off.
I associate it with the time I tried to punch this guy and he caught my wrist before I could hit him.
I associate it every time someone in junior high called me faggot, dumb ass, or loser.
I remember I used to cry in my sleep and ask God why? Why does everyone ignore me or worse make fun of me? it was worse when people would just put me on the spot for no fucking reason at all.
And lastly I associate it everytime I watched the pretty girls, the tall athletes, and even the drug addicted party burn outs hang out with their respective groups and do everything together. I never got invited to hang out with anybody, because I had no in with anyone.
I was never popular in junior high. but I grew to enjoy never being popular. I felt enlightened. I felt like I had discovered a better way of life instead of just burning out or going with the flow. I felt like everyone else was a big ass phony and I had little time for them.
In High School I became more involved with my youth group, hoping to find solace from the briar pitch of public school. I envisioned some kind of refuge for myself and not be around the cruel words and the gross language.
I found that I wanted something real and authentic from those that I had considered friends. I thought I had made that with people from my youth group. It turned out later that I was wrong. No one ever called, no one ever replied and no one invited me to anything. I remember this boy, his name was Jordan Box, I loved him and I wanted to be his friend so badly. He was like the pretty boy of Youth Group (which is retarded in itself). We were friends for a while, and then I guess he just got tired of me. He never called or wanted to hang out and that was the end of it. The least he could have done was say something but I was over it by then. It turned out to be like that with a lot of them and I grew tired of it.
So by my senior year of high school, I was basically at square one. I tried to start over and make the best of my difficult and dramatic final year that consisted of a funeral, a bad relationship, get barred from being on the ministry team at youth group, and actually getting grounded for a month by my parents. I made some good friendships that probably would have blossomed had I not made the decision to leave for college.
So thats the story of my life with the word popular. I was never popular. I decided that I never wanted to be popular. Popular to me, meant limitations and I knew that God made me for something different
So if you are really curious, the reason why I do not want this recognition is because I do not deserve it. I hate the clapping, I hate the birthday songs, and I hate the compliments about my voice and guitar skills. Please give it to someone who actually works for a living.
I guess the reason why so many seem to know me is that well... this is a small school and I just love the people here. there are good people here. People much different than the ones who went to my lame-ass youth group or high school. God showed me a world outside of "Popular" or "cool" and I thank Him so much for making me unique and not popular.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Did I not believe?
Prayer, thanks, belief. I believe! help me over come my unbelief!~!!!
I think that life independent and seeking God first is so much more manly than joining ROTC. At least at Simpson University.
"All I've got is a photograph"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)