it's been a while.

I realize the older I get, there is only an illusion that i cannot do anything. I find myself wanting to be things and yet the opportunities rarely present themselves. It is almost as if I wanted one of the movie moments where you coincidentally ran into someone or something that ends up changing your life forever. Sometimes I wish that would happen. I am in Santa Rosa in the home I grew up in. The real question is whether it really is my home now.

Another question for myself and to God is... Can i break out of the illusion of white-middle class suburban america consumerism christianity? I want something real and i want it now.

A great man

I want to take a little time to tell you about my granddad. First off we never referred to him as that. Everyone called him "jim" or "pop". It was never dad or grandpa. That was just the way of things.

Henderson Gerald Burns was born in Los Angeles in the year of 1918. He was adopted by my great grand parents at birth after their first child had succumbed to tuberculosis. By the age of 5 he was blinded from a severe case of glaucoma in the eyes which is a disease that involves optic nerve pressure causing immense pain. He eventually had both of his eyeballs removed from his sockets because of the pain and remained blind ever since.

Though my grandpa was blinded and severely handicapped in a time when someone with such a disability would be looked down upon, he never let that get in the way of living as much a normal life as possible.

He graduated with a PhD in Psychology and taught at Los Angeles City College for over 25 years or more. He married my grandmother Dorothea Bannerman and started a family that was my Aunt Patsy and my dad Gordon Burns in Silver Lake, California. He would often walk to the college with his children helping him in tow. He always enjoyed having things vividly described to him and memorizing the location of things around him.

He was also a devoted musician and learned to play the piano memorizing pieces of music by ear and playing them to near perfection. It was not until his last days that I would ever hear him hit a note off key. He was our own Ray Charles.

When his first wife Dorothea passed he later married her sister Elizabeth Gwynne and they lived happily until Beth passed in 1996. From then on he continued to be the faithful Patriarch of our large family even amidst his diminishing health due to cancer and loss of hearing.

He never let on that he was weak or disabled. A mental toughness that lives on in his children and grand children

He was always an active socialite and had an outgoing personality. There was never a dull moment with his quick wit and humor. I always remember his fondness for limericks which are 5 line rhymes usually entailing a witty punchline.

I guess I could go on and on about the amazing things I had in a grandad, like the footage of him riding a bicycle on his own, or his ability to tell by the turn and movement of a car where exactly in town he was heading. I could go on for hours but I only have a few minutes because that is just the way of things.

I sit here in Redding far away from the two homes that my grandfather lived in reflecting on the life he had led wishing he could still be here. Maybe even wishing that he could have seen what his beloved wife and children looked like but I guess you develop something different when you lose the ability to see. Sometimes I wonder if he just had a unique of understanding things without the use of eyes.

I wonder what it would be like to see the world behind his eyes.

All I know now is that he left a mark on this earth with his life and i will miss him dearly.

Here's to you Gross Pop.

Ode to Jim

There once was a man named Jim

whose great heart was never slim

Though he joked a lot

and often put you on the spot

It was always a joy to be with him

by Grandson Nolan

`

How do you have grace?

I will be honest, this summer has sucked. It took me six weeks to find a crappy job full of disgusting fish smelling jerks. I have had virtually no friends of which to be with. The only person who's really been around is a selfish-narcississtic loner who spends all of the hours of the day on his mac or fidgeting with his coveted iphone. Materialism at its worst.

On July 6 my grandpa passed away. He was 92 and he lived an amazing life. The shitty part is I don't know where he is right now. I want so badly to believe that he is somewhere where I can see him but I honestly do not know. My family prayed and prayed for decades that he would accept the love of Christ and throw off his rags of bitterness and cynicism. One of the last conversations I had with him only reaffirmed his belief in science over religion as he would call it.

I cannot help but be filled with an anguish of uncertainty and a seemingly silent God to whom I begged for healing from sickness and injury.

On top of that, out of nowhere my mother has had a calcium deposit on her upper spine creating an irritation of her nervous system. She cannot twist her head nor can she drive herself or exert her upper back too strenuously. She can barely give someone a hug. I hate it. She has to have surgery at the end of August and I will not be there.

I got a cell phone ticket today because a stupid chp officer saw me. Great. Like I am not already poor enough for the upcoming rent and deposit for the apartment I do not have yet.

My cousin Stephen has been distant than ever and his communication skills have always left much to be desired.

I literally want to cuss out all the friends who I felt have abandoned me. I want to yell at my cousin for being a dumb non communicative guy who fails to inform his own parents on what he is doing. I want to place my hands on my mothers neck and ask the holy spirit to heal all the pain and whatever ailments are on her right now. I want to hear God's voice every morning that I wake up. I want to eat breakfast and have the stomach for it. I want to ride my bike and run and never drive a stupid car and get pulled over for stupid laws like cell phones. I want to hold my girlfriend and tell her she's beautiful. I want to have a place to live and I do not want to go to work tomorrow and listen to disgusting mouthed butchers in the meat department.

I want to write music,

I want to make films

I want to do good in school

I want to tell all the shallow friends I have that they can bring their cynicism elsewhere because I am tired of it.

I want to go to redding

I want to know how I can have grace right now because I seriously want to scream and yell and punch someone in the face.

God, how can I have grace right now?

sixteen people I miss right now.

Honestly this is in no particular order. I was just feeling sentimental on this late hour. ugh need sleep.

1. Kenny Button - just talked to him. baseball player, super funny. Gotta love Kenny Butt.

2. Matthew Lopez - half mexican all attitude. sometimes listening to him is like a deep monologue from a quentin tarantino film with a little attention deficit influence mixed with the sound of an awesome fender tube amplifier. Great bod, great voice, down to do almost anything except listen to weezer.

3. James Spencer. best guy to write on while he's sleeping and to pray with all the time.

4. Laura Rainsberry. Imagine if faithfulness and loyalty was embodied in a person

5. My Grandpa Jim Burns - theres a lot unresolved to that. He passed away a few days ago. this guy was born when Woodrow Wilson was president do you know anyone who can say that?

6. Jessica Bisagno. I used to hate her but now we're inseparable half-asian bff's.

thats a snippet oh and I miss Phillis soresi too. she's kind of like the best addition to the family since Lindsay Wong my cousin was born.

Hallelujah that I could learn so much from these people.

"lest we forget"

"

summer life....slow

This has been life so far. Family, a wedding, a death, a haircut. Oh and I also drink a lot of beer now and work at a place called oliver's market.

I think that summers between simpson find themselves pushing me to cabin fever or lack of friends syndrome.

I dunno Its late and Im venting but I miss a shitload of people right now and wish things could be convenient.

I hate the lousy youthful crowd in santa rosa I feel like a potato. Yeah I guess that's what I feel like.

I prayed for my grandpa to receive God, now he's gone and honestly I am not sure if he ever changed his mind. I am kind of tired of being bogged down by the familiar family cycle. At school I was a leader, at home I am the baby son who is still learning. It is hard when everyone around you is 9 years older or more.

On top of that there is not much of a church for me to feel comfortable at. I guess I haven't really tried and I guess I should be proud that God gave me a job finally and a little bit of breakthrough on craigslist (finally sold the drumset!).

I really badly, so badly need a community right now. I'll take just two friends minimum.

why can't Santa Rosa be on the interstate freeway?

I miss my grandad too. ask me about him and ill tell you a story that should honestly be made into a movie.

My brother got married too. That made me happy, got to practice some communication chops as his best man, made a speech and made sure all the guys were doing what they were supposed to be doing I guess.

Oh and my girlfriend is amazing did I tell you that too? yeah she's pretty awesome.

anyways there is alot to pray about and Im tired so I'll talk to you later.

- "it'd be great to see a miracle someday God, ya know? something out of the ordinary?"

What it means to be real.

I ate lunch alone at one of my favorite mexican restaurants. The further I go in this journey the more that I am convinced that man cannot stand alone. He needs a family, he needs a community, he needs a friend, a partner, a companion that will never forsake the bond that they will carry forever.

Christopher McCandless was the subject of the feature film Into The Wild. he was a young college graduate who gave away every material thing he had and sought life on his own as a transient trying to find more about the true meanings in life after forsaking a family he felt had betrayed him. Through his many experiences with many different people including an old man who offers to take care of him, McCandless travels north to Alaska to truly embrace his independence from conventional society and live off the natural earth. Upon finding out that he is unable to return to society due to nature's harsh reality, McCandless writes in his journal "Happiness is only real when shared." Accepting his fate he dies alone in the wilderness.

May we never waste a day without sharing our happiness with others.

Death

I ran over a blue bellied lizard on my bicycle. I've never done that before. It looked like it was writhing in pain from its probably broken back. He died slowly. I don't know I guess I was just shocked because I have never killed something like that before. I ran over a small bird a few weeks prior in my truck. It is bizarre to me because that whole day I seemed to be avoiding birds and honking at them to fly away.

It is curious and strange as to how easy something can be ended. Why the absence of a person's life in our lives can cause so much pain. Death encompasses so much.

My senior year of high school, I lost a friend to an accident. She was not necessarily a very close friend nor one that I had seen in a while but then the news of her death came like some kind of tragedy you hear on CNN except this time it very very close to home. It shocked me so much.

It kind of sparked this strange thing in me to sort of reevaluate how I interacted with people.

Nowadays, I try to always let my closest friends and family know how much I care about them and what it is that I love the most.

I guess love hurts mainly because of death, death takes away what we value and ultimately that which we need. But again we have a unique way of being able-key word "able", to cope and move on with the hope that there is a purpose to every season.

I know for a fact that since my friend's death, I seem to cry a lot easier. I guess that is what happens and tears are a sign of joy and despair.

Talk about a hard Lesson

Thanks God. thanks for sending someone to beat death and show us what is most precious.

Alleluia,

ps Matthew Kelly is walking again! such great news to hear of such an amazing man of God who has touched many lives. I hope to discuss pacifism and just war again.

pps. I am not sure how I would handle the departure of a close friend or family member these days. But I would only hope that God would show me his will and purpose behind it.

Continuing on the journey.

Still nothing to report. Well... My brother is in town and his lovely fiancee' it's nice to have some more people to chat with. I guess...God wants me to find something so I guess I should keep on looking. Jobs, Classes, summer projects....Hopefully by August there will be something good to report.

Destroy.

It's raining. And the lousy part is I dont' have anyone to share it with. Also when materials get you down you should just destroy them or get rid of them. For instance I was mad at my crappy Dell Laptop and I hit it and now it is not working. Think of it as giving it a figurative black eye.

I actually feel okay except for the fact that my resume was on it... and luckily it was the only file that I actually still need.

I am tired of myself. Can I please hear about your day?

Katie called and she wanted to hear about my life. Call that Ironic. She's touching lives in Cambodia and here i am in way too Modern America with no community. I hate that about Santa Rosa. It is beautiful country and a beautiful city but honestly its population is a bunch of liberal stuck up snobs who do nothing but complain or smoke weed.

Ok. I think I am going to ride my bike even though its raining. I dont really care though.

good nite.

3 am. bleh.

It's 3 am. and its funny because 3 am by Matchbox Twenty is playing on Pandora. That said I am extremely tired but for some reason there is some considerable muscle pain in my left hip and lower back making it difficult to find comfort to sleep. This is disgruntling because I have a hike tomorrow with a good friend and I would hate to miss it. Alas, the anxiety of loneliness and the questions about the Lost finale are still fresh in my head.

I want to have someone that I can have fun with down here.

Right now I'd prefer to rest but it just won't let up.

Dammit.

summer the last one I guess... I still don't know

I kind of lost my weekend I spent pretty much all of it looking after my ailing Grandfather. He is... a great man that I have much respect for but he is also a tiresome man. I have grown up around male figures that do not usually wear their emotions on their sleeves. Their love language comes out in very subtle gestures and actions. I do not doubt my grandfather's interest in my life, he has supported nearly every missions trip I have traveled on, written me very open and honest letters about how proud he is of his grandson. He has taken a liking to who I am, whoever that may be. Sometimes the divide between friends and family takes a toll on me, but then I have to continue realizing that my family actually knows me better than I ever will; probably because they watched me grow up.
For this I am grateful. I have been blessed to have such a unique and loving set of family members that I have always been able to rely on.

I wonder how much it takes to change a stubborn old man's hardened heart. I guess one could argue that he is inclined to enjoy the world that he has lived in most of his life even though it is a world that has almost completely changed in the past 50 years. How strange to be stuck in time.
On the other hand, I would rather see God's power which knows no boundaries just break through.

Dear God, Can you please perform a miracle? I've seen it done in Redding, Haiti, Philippines, and elsewhere, but could you pull a big one for Santa Rosa? That'd be probably the greatest thing ever at this point.


Does being lonely mean you're not a bad person?

I miss you .

A friend.

Rick White. Sometimes you can be rude. You do care.

Oh and you're wrong about community. It will be justified when I live off campus.

Summer and livin is too easy. I need to get a job. For real this time. A real job.

the lousy professor that made us forget

The time when you find yourself angered, embittered and frustrated because all that is around somehow manages to push the simplest buttons is....

I cannot begin to describe the uselessness sometimes in these educational pursuits. Where has it gone?

I often wonder if it is alright that we spend so much time and energy on these papers, tests, projects etc. Is it worth it all? Whose to say that it is fair we judge our academia in such a manner? If I do not study then I have failed. I have failed at life? Many say it is of no consequence since this is not the case but is it even ethical to push someone to so much pressure when their life does not necessarily center around it.

All I know is that I look at two good friends in the room i am sitting in and I know that my friendship was never defined by how much time we spent studying together. My love and respect was not born out of an academic pursuit.

"misery loves company"


The thing is, we don't have to be miserable.

reasons

I think one of the reasons I grew so disenchanted with schoolwork and class in general is mainly because of fall semester. I literally worked my ass off for Intro to Islam and Intro to Theology and I came out with two lousy C's for both of them. Eighteen units took so much out of me that semester. I hated so many things and I literally felt like forks and knives were piercing me all the time with anger, and bitterness towards so many things. I got burnt out. I literally felt like falling on the ground not getting up again. It was a miserable semester that took a toll on me. What was worse is the lousy grades I had to show for my work ethic. I can honestly say there is not much incentive to work when you end up getting a lousy grade anyways.

That said I still find myself disgusted with the academic system of busywork and the like, but in a strange dichotomy continue to pursue it mainly out of obligation. I cannot fully justify dropping out of school. Thus, I must continue on as a weary veteran does in the midst of dissension and discouragement.

Never theless God is good. April is here and life is returning slowly but surely. I will not be a RA again sadly, I applied to two positions and did not get either one of them. I will be off campus next year. Some things are bittersweet. I am just hoping my rooming situation turns out okay.

God can.

Haiti

Have you ever had a moment where you felt like you were doing exactly what you were created to do?

I have and it happened over Spring Break. Go and find your perfect moment if you can or just call me crazy.

The rare days when I love responsibility

Scottish Games. Hopefully a thompson annual event. Yes.

I guess... I don't know

RA, Philippines team, Social action Committee, Buildings, Athletics, Chorale, Guitar, Tropic Sweat, Eric Wilkinson and Bryan's room, intentional community, Communication majors, Dell Laptop, Portland, Santa Rosa, Santa Cruz, Hollywood, Family, lots of family, Girlfriend, Katie Tam, Natalie Hoy, Jared Rouse, Roommate failures, Cross Country, The Stirring, River Trail, Mt. Shasta, Castle Crags, Ice Skating, Thompson BBQ's, Winco, In n' out, Airband, Exposure nightmares, Cooper Heath, Sleepwalkers, Pillow fights, Movies, Making a couple movies, Taylor, Dana, And Melissa, Laura Rainsberry, Rick Tek White, Rick being single, Jared Furze growing, Wheels For wells, Getting a new bike, Dumb Freshmen, Paradise, Redding, Santa Cruz, Oregon, Portland, LA, More LA, Family in LA, Chinese food, LA, Chico. Jesus Culture, Holy Spirit, LA, Mercy Medical Center, River Trail, Bikes, Longboards, Lots of running, Adam Crawford, Matthew Lopez, Dan, Dustin, James, John T,Mike Gallegos, Late nights. Love, Signs, Assuchar, Hope, Faith, Realness, Joy,
Completion?

I don't really know except that all of this stuff happened to me in the last two and a half years and I am damn proud of it.

I hope I can live somewhere good soon.

I guess.... God still has chapters to write about my life here in Redding. Oh redding...

-" You don't what you got til' it's gone."

Recovery.

i want move to a place where there is so visual beauty that I could stay there the rest of my life. I never considered myself a country boy but I did grow up with a nice mixture of city and outdoors. I lived right next to a state park and yet I am in the north end of the bay area. Something always draws me to these places: Hollywood, Pasadena, Berkeley, Santa Rosa, Santa Cruz, San Jose, Venice Beach.

Someday... I just hope to God Im not called to Redding for life.

"When the lights go down in the city"

tears.

I cried 3 times in the last 36 hours. I have never cried like that in such a short span. I dropped another class today. I wouldn't have been able to successfully put my best foot in. I am already struggling to even begin to finish homework. I'm a wreck...i dont know.