How do you have grace?

I will be honest, this summer has sucked. It took me six weeks to find a crappy job full of disgusting fish smelling jerks. I have had virtually no friends of which to be with. The only person who's really been around is a selfish-narcississtic loner who spends all of the hours of the day on his mac or fidgeting with his coveted iphone. Materialism at its worst.

On July 6 my grandpa passed away. He was 92 and he lived an amazing life. The shitty part is I don't know where he is right now. I want so badly to believe that he is somewhere where I can see him but I honestly do not know. My family prayed and prayed for decades that he would accept the love of Christ and throw off his rags of bitterness and cynicism. One of the last conversations I had with him only reaffirmed his belief in science over religion as he would call it.

I cannot help but be filled with an anguish of uncertainty and a seemingly silent God to whom I begged for healing from sickness and injury.

On top of that, out of nowhere my mother has had a calcium deposit on her upper spine creating an irritation of her nervous system. She cannot twist her head nor can she drive herself or exert her upper back too strenuously. She can barely give someone a hug. I hate it. She has to have surgery at the end of August and I will not be there.

I got a cell phone ticket today because a stupid chp officer saw me. Great. Like I am not already poor enough for the upcoming rent and deposit for the apartment I do not have yet.

My cousin Stephen has been distant than ever and his communication skills have always left much to be desired.

I literally want to cuss out all the friends who I felt have abandoned me. I want to yell at my cousin for being a dumb non communicative guy who fails to inform his own parents on what he is doing. I want to place my hands on my mothers neck and ask the holy spirit to heal all the pain and whatever ailments are on her right now. I want to hear God's voice every morning that I wake up. I want to eat breakfast and have the stomach for it. I want to ride my bike and run and never drive a stupid car and get pulled over for stupid laws like cell phones. I want to hold my girlfriend and tell her she's beautiful. I want to have a place to live and I do not want to go to work tomorrow and listen to disgusting mouthed butchers in the meat department.

I want to write music,

I want to make films

I want to do good in school

I want to tell all the shallow friends I have that they can bring their cynicism elsewhere because I am tired of it.

I want to go to redding

I want to know how I can have grace right now because I seriously want to scream and yell and punch someone in the face.

God, how can I have grace right now?